Who I am vs. who I thought I would be

When I was little, I had a lot of ideas about what I was going to be when I grew up. First, it was a flower. I'm pretty sure that at some point I wanted to be Big Bird. I wanted to be the first woman president. I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to buy up all the abandoned buildings in downtown Cleveland and give people who didn't have a nice place to live just that. All-in-all, I wanted to be someone who made a change. A loud, "I'm famous now," kind of change. If I wasn't going to be globally famous, I thought I would at least be famous in my line of work.
I realized a few nights ago that my next birthday is going to be the big 3-0. I feel as though, by this point, I should have published something, I should be leading something, I should have started something. Why do I feel this way? Where does this drive to be recognized come from?
I want to have saved Rwandan refugees or stopped human trafficking or to have written something that opens our eyes to the fact that we have so much more than we need. I want to be able to say that I have made a difference in this world, and not just to my friends and family. I want to be one of Time magazines amazing people under 30. Those people make me feel so inadequate. I want to at least be able to say that I preach and distribute the Lord's Supper each week.
One of the things about working with kids in the way I do is that I so rarely get to see the fruits of my labor. I could very well have inspired someone to go out and change the world in ways I have yet to. I wish that thought was more satisfying.
I know that, theoretically, I have time and it is possible that by the time I am 50 I could have done something really amazing. However, I don't like to live with somedays. Life doesn't go on forever -- I have lost too many people in my life to live under the illusion that we ever really get to live a "complete" life. We have to make changes in the time we are here. I guess that that means that I have to start making small changes, every day.
I think that our desire for immediacy is the cause of so much of our strife. "I want it now!" could very well be the motto of our culture. We're a nation of two year-olds. I want to see the effects of my job now. I want to see the effects of conservation now. I want to see the good it will d me to buy local and organic now. As a society, we have lost patience. As a person, I am not sure I ever had much to begin with. I want to be ordained NOW. I want my PhD NOW. I want to have made a difference already. Really, I should want to learn how to accept myself as I am, where I am. But, I don't like shoulds either.