Jesus, Justice, & Rock n' roll

I'm a racist, too

2008-03-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was a little kid, I have been fiercely anti-racism. I was raised in a white suburb on the west side of Cleveland, but my parents did their best to expose me to people of all cultures, races, and walks of life (as much as that is possible in Cleveland). Every MLK day, I would go with my parents to be the only white people in the room when my mother's friend, A. Grace Lee Mims would perform a memorial concert. I briefly dated a black guy from East Cleveland. I wrote and spoke about equality for all and being blind to color. One of my proudest moments was when, after giving a speech about racism at a speech and debate tournament, a young African-American kid came up to me and said something along the lines of, "It's really good to know that there are some white people who understand." I felt like the coolest person in the room.
When I was a senior in high school, I made friends with a girl from Shaw high school who taught me a lot about what it was to live in the ghetto. The first time I went to her house, her grandma almost called the cops because there was a strange white person on the porch. I was almost complicit in a gang fight until I sped up and yelled so much that Keinya's friend couldn't get out of the car to start with someone. It was with her that I walked into a quickie mart completely encased in bullet-proof glass. You told the woman behind the glass what you wanted and she would wander through the store and grab it. Then you would slide the money to her under the glass. She, then, would deliver the food to you through a bullet proof carousel. I had no idea such places existed. I was scared shitless and at the same time incredibly sad that people had to live this way. I learned about greens and fried foods and the appeal of crappy champagne. I also got named "honorarily ghetto" by the guy who I scared out of jumping out of my car on Saint Clair Ave. It's true, I don't fuck around.

However, I also had all these little remnants of where I was raised living inside of me. My neighbors always used to refer to everything that was cheaply repaired as "nigger-rigged." For years I didn't understand why my mom said "jimmy-rigged" and my neighbors said it the other way. Same with "ding-dong ditch." Where I grew up, that was called "nigger-knocking." And when you get the tip of a cigarette too wet, there was a racist name for that too. It wasn't until I was in high school that I realized that the "n-word" was a part of those phrases. I know that that sounds incredibly stupid, but they were just words to me, words that almost ran together. I never associated them with the word that should never be said. Then a little light went off in my head and I was terribly embarrassed and upset that I had ever said such things. How could I have been so ignorant?
You have to understand a little bit about where I was raised. Cleveland is one of the most segregated cities in the United States. It's a little better now (I hear), but when I was growing up there (I graduated high school in 1996), the blacks and Jews lived on the east side and the Arabs and Indians lived on the West -- my side of town. There was one black girl in my class, three black kids in my high school (and, as far as I know, no Jews wait, I take that back there were two kids, brother and sister). Cleveland is a very neighborhoody place. The Italians, Pols, Czechs, Irish & more all have their own neighborhoods. From what I hear, you didnt' bother crossing in to those 'hoods if you had dark skin.
When I was in high school, my school was playing Rhodes High School (a largely black school) for a district championship in basketball. Someone from my high school was "joking" about wearing a white sheet to the game. The 8th graders behind me actually started chanting "kill the niggers" during the game. The stopped once I threatened them with a beat-down. My neighbor was with them and he told them I wasn't kidding. I'm glad the believed me, because I'm pretty sure I couldn't have taken on three boys by myself. Just a few years ago, my father had a Jamaican hospice nurse. She got pulled over in my little hamlet for a good old DWB -- Driving While Black.

I went to two mostly white colleges and so I wasn't really confronted with my own racism until I moved to the south side of Chicago to go to graduate school. It was there that all of my idealism crashed head-on into my lack of interaction with African-Americans. One day, I was riding the 55 to the red line to get downtown and I saw a black guy running in the park. I thought to myself, "Hm... I didn't know black people exercised." WTF?! How incredibly stupid is that? I immediately became embarrassed by my thought, but there it was. I couldn't take it back. My lifetime of living in white America and being largely exposed to people of color through the television had, apparently, taught me that black people are lazy. Unless they play professional sports or are running from the police. I also remember seeing a young black kid running one day (not in exercise apparel) and wondered what he had stolen. I hated driving through Washington Park in the summer. It was always lined with people showing off their cars and hanging out in large groups. I was outnumbered, and it made me afraid. I did what I could to avoid taking the green line at night because the green line/ 55 bus stop was in front of a check cashing place, a liquor store and a Harold's Fried Chicken. In my defense, most people I knew avoided that stop at night. But, still...
This is not to say I lived my life in Chicago in fear. It was the first time in my life I had made a number of black friends (although I always found myself saying or doing awkward things around them to show how I was "down" with black culture). I walked to work and came across a myriad of folks. My self-esteem grew leaps and bounds because the same men I was occasionally afraid of LOVED my big butt, little waist shape. It was about damn time my curves were appreciated! My boyfriend at the time was raised in Harvey, IL and his friends were another lesson in life lived without privilege. I would vehemently work to overcome by prejudices and, occasionally, have them reinforced. Once I had a guy tell me, "My momma brought me up on welfare, and I'm gonna bring my kids up on welfare!" Way to have dreams, man! Then again, when all you see around you is buildings and schools that are falling apart, I would imagine that it becomes hard to dream.
Now, I live in suburban Seattle and, to my eyes, Seattle is the whitest big city ever. The kids with whom I work seem to see color a lot less than I ever have. At the same time, it worries me that they don't know the history of racism. Is it good that they don't know the horrible things that people have been through, or do we need to teach then the past in order to keep it from continuing? What is the best way to bring people together?

What's my point? My point is that we HAVE to get to know each other. We have to stop sitting with only people who look like us in the cafeteria. We have to start having conversations between the frats and the Black Student Union. We have to start crossing the divide to get to know one another or else this will never, ever get better. We must be intentional about this. There is no way that integration will just happen. It is human nature to be around people who are similar to you. We all do it. When we travel abroad and hear an American, we gravitate towards them (unless they are the Ugly American). When we are new to an office, we look to people who dress like us, or work in the same department for friendship. We need to start going to the other side of town for movies, plays, grocery shopping -- whatever! Those of us who work with youth must find ways to get our kids out of their schools & churches and to the other side of town to meet other kids and build relationships across the racial divide. Without moves like this, Dr. King's dream is still a dream, and Obama's speech is just a blip in the campaign. Let's make it different. Let's help ourselves change.

Horoscope

2008-02-25T21:20:00.000-08:00

My "quickie" horoscope on yahoo today is really entertaining, no matter how i rearrange the words. Here's the actual horoscope, "Being more analytical about your emotions will help you solve some issues today."
Now, to begin with it is funny because I am incredibly emotional, yet still over analyze anything. I'm going to blame all of that on being a woman. The following re-mixes are also amusing
Being more emotional about your analysis will help you solve some issues today.
Being more analytical about your issues will help you solve some emotions today
Being more emotional about your issues will help you solve some analysis today.

oh, horoscopes...

Drama, drama, drama

2008-02-25T21:08:00.000-08:00

Why is it that drama is so attractive? Why is it that conflict is so sexy?
I just finished watching Brothers & Sisters (which, by the way, might be my favorite prime time drama -- it's some damn fine television) and found myself falling in love with the drama. The cheating couples were positively titillating. The relationship drama made me feel romantic -- what in the hell is wrong with me? Why am I so attracted to drama?
I spent a good 20 years -- from the time I started sprouting boobs until after I met my husband -- cultivating drama. I didn't realize it. I thought that the drama just kept happening to me; that drama hunted me down and found me where I lived. Then I took time off from dating and realized that I chased drama. I would find myself alone at home and bored and wanting to go out and create drama. Even when I began a relationship with my hubby, I would find ways to create it. I was out on a date with him and asked him if I could invite a much reviled ex to the wedding. Even thought I had realized that I craved drama, I couldn't always stop it. It took so much pausing and stopping myself over and over again to stop the drama. And yet, I still find it so attractive. The idea of all of it seems so sexy. Is it me, or is it us?

me vs. we

2008-02-18T00:24:00.000-08:00

So, I was thinking last night that most of the decisions in our life boil down to one basic decision -- me vs. we. I was thinking about the other day at the grocery store when I was trying to decide what kind of eggs to buy. I was at the Green Market here in Renton and it seemed as though they had 15 types of eggs. Free range, cage free, hormone free, anti-biotic free, local, hugged often, raised with classical music, and on and on. I just stood there and stared for a while, considering price vs all of the other stuff on the label. The more words, the more expensive it was. This abundance of choices was actually kind of nice, for once, as I usually shop at the Safeway down the street and get to choose between Big Organic and non-organic shipped halfway across the world. When I try to shop at the local market, I often have to choose either organic or local -- rarely are things labeled as both. This is where the topic comes in -- this is a choice of me vs. we.
Organic is good for my body. However, if it isn't local, it has been shipped from who knows where and used lots of fossil fuels and been lightly sprayed with preservatives in the process. If it is local it hasn't traveled from Chile, but I can't be certain what kind of pesticides and fungicides were used. From what I have been reading, the small farms are less likely to use such treatments, but I don't know that for certain. There are also a lot of small farms that don't go for the organic certification process, or because they may use feed from their neighbors or something, they can't be considered totally organic. What is a girl to do?
Obviously, this is oversimplified, but I have decided that it would make things easier if I think of it as a case of me vs. we. Buying from industrialized organic farms like Organic Valley or Earthbound tells me (or allows me to believe) that what I am eating doesn't put pesticides in my body. That is good for me. However, it travels a long distance and puts lots of fossil fuels into the atmosphere, bad for we. On top of that, it takes me levels away from the farmer and benefits large corporations like General Mills -- also bad for the we (if, that is, I want to help small farmers survive).
If I buy locally, I am possibly putting pesticides in my body. Bad for the Me. I am also purchasing something that might be putting pesticides in the Earth -- bad for the We. However, I am eliminating the distance the food travels, using far less fossil fuels. Good for the We. And, I am supporting small farmers and developing at least a vague relationship with the farm (I can at least point to Walla Walla or Carnation on a map) good for the we. Oh, and supporting the local economy. Also good for the we.
This isn't limited to organic purchases, however. When we make decisions in our lives, are we thinking about the good of the whole or ourselves? When we make decisions that effect our partner, our families, what are we thinking about? When we choose to buy something at Target to save a few bucks and still be "fashionable" who does it benefit? Me, or We? This is a way of looking at choices that goes beyond religion (though, in theory, most religions would err on the side of We). Does a person live for the Me, the We, or somewhere in-between? Why can't I spell in-between? I honestly don't see a point of the life lived entirely for the Me. I can't see how that would be in any way fulfilling -- not to mention that if you made every decision simply concerned about yourself, that would make you an asshole with few friends (Rupert Murdoch, perhaps?).
I digress. It is my bedtime. I will chew on this for the evening.

Rewind : Black Friday/ Buy Nothing Day

2007-11-26T13:16:00.000-08:00

This past Friday, Americans spent $10,300,000,000.

Americans waiting to buy stuff they have plenty of

Afghani citizens waiting for something they are out of -- food

We could get ourselves more of this....

Or we would buy her a way out of poverty for $60

Or we could pay for a year of school for one of these kids for $32...

What would Jesus buy?

Bored & restless

2007-11-26T12:47:00.001-08:00

It seems to strike me every year at about this time. I want to be doing something different. I begin to work on weaseling my way into ordination or looking at PhD programs, and reading academic journals to dream of my future. Why is this? Why is it that at such an exciting time of the year in the church, I feel so uninspired?
Part of it, I know, is my worship life. The worship services in my current congregation suck the marrow out of me. I try so hard to pay attention to the sermons, but the preacher's pace and tone are such that it renders me zombified. In the event that I do hear the words, they usually sound a lot like, "Blah, blah, blah, Jesus. Blah, blah, blah, church. Blah, blah, prayer." In three years here, I am not sure one sermon has inspired me.
The music is beautiful. But it is my dad's music. I like it once a month -- the organ, the orchestra, the good old setting 4 of the LBW or whatever confusing service we pull out of the new Lutheran Hymnal. I want something that sounds more like Ryan Adams or Death Cab with an occasional bit of Lily Allen thrown in. Something that moves me and speaks to me in my language. I speak "A Mighty Fortress is our God," but that is mostly because it is tradition. It does little to nothing to my soul.
If you don't know me, you are surely wondering why I still go to this church if it makes me feel this way. Well, I work there. And I am not in charge of worship. I make suggestions on occasion, but usually they are met with a bemused look and a statement that kind of sounds like, "That's nice, dear."
Outside of my lack of enthusiasm for worship, I am also affected by the fact that this is the longest I have stayed in one place since high school. I like to move around, see new things, meet new people, and I have been seeing the same people for a while now.
Argh -- I feel so spoiled for even bothering to complain about this. I mean, I am warm, I am comfortable, I am loved. I have a job, I have health insurance, I have running water and food. Still, I have this gnawing, aching feeling that I belong somewhere other than where I am today.

My new favorite cartoons

2007-11-01T16:37:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Dan Kimball, I have found a site of wonderfully refreshing cartoons about the church and church life. Here's one of my fave's recently

Check out The Ongoing Adventures of ASBO Jesus

And, as for what ASBO means, "btw. for the non british among you… an ‘asbo’ is an ‘anti-social behaviour order’… the courts here award them to people who are deemed to be constant trouble in their neighbourhoods… presumably according to their neighbours!" from jon birch

When will we get it?

2007-11-01T14:24:00.003-07:00

I just read a really great article from Relevant magazine on how the Hebrew of Genesis is emphatically asking us to care for the earth. The words used in the Hebrew are akin to how God told his people to care for the Temple and how we ask God to care for us. There were only three comments on th article. All of them made my heart ache. That first respondent also goes on to say that the Bible is clear that people are far more valuable than the land. First off, I would like to know where that is in the Bible other than the "do not worry" verse in Luke. Second, yeah, we are more blessed and gifted, and so the conclusion is to walk all over the less important. Yeah, that's Christian.
The second comment focused on how we need to accept Jesus an everything will be okay. I was just about to say that the world would probably be a better place if we were all Christian, citing all the wars caused by religion. However, as I was typing the sentence, it occurred to me that we would probably then war over who's Jesus was right and Baptists would be killing Catholics would be killing Lutherans and high schools would have Missouri Synod gangs fighting ELCA gangs over communing with Episcopalians. So, never mind. The world would still be the same world.
The fourth was the worst, and unfortunately, I can't see it on the website anymore, but it went something like this:
The condition of the Earth has only improved over the past 40 years. Globalization is the best thing to make the Earth better.
I can only think that this person is either kidding or is living somewhere in Orinda without media access beyond what he or she chooses to look at on the internet (I like Orinda, but it has occurred to me that one could live there and think all was well with the world). The earth is getting better, really? Are the signs of the wellness of the Earth the famine, the drying lakes, the disappearing species, the rising seas, the melting Arctic, the fact that Atlanta is almost out of water, the pollution of the waters in India, China, the Rio Grande, Lake Erie... need I go on?

I once watched a "cornucopist" talk about how is it okay for us to use all of the Earth's resources because God would provide. Seriously, when you were a kid and used all of the... Playdough and left it out to dry, did mom just go and buy you some more? God is clear -- we are to take care of this planet. And take care does not mean use it for all it's worth 'cause we're just gonna get a new one. When will Christians realize this? Will we before it is too late?

What fuel to use?

2007-10-30T16:11:00.000-07:00

So, i once learned from an episode of West Wing that ethanol uses more fossil fuels to make than it would to just use gas in our cars. Still, I thought that there had to be something to biodiesel and have fantasized for the past year about buying a 4runner and converting it to biodiesel. I really, really want an old body style 4runner, but I simply can't justify it. However, if I could make it run clean, wouldn't that be nifty?
Then I run across this article from Cornell University stating scientifically what Hollywood already told me -- bio fuels aren't efficient.
from the July 2005 study:

In terms of energy output compared with energy input for ethanol production, the study found that:

* corn requires 29 percent more fossil energy than the fuel produced;
* switch grass requires 45 percent more fossil energy than the fuel produced; and
* wood biomass requires 57 percent more fossil energy than the fuel produced.

In terms of energy output compared with the energy input for biodiesel production, the study found that:

* soybean plants requires 27 percent more fossil energy than the fuel produced, and
* sunflower plants requires 118 percent more fossil energy than the fuel produced.

So where do we go now? Electric cars? Hybrids?

Ideally, I would like to bike, walk, or take public transportation to work. However, I can't afford to live near my work for walking or biking, and Seattle's mass transit outside of main areas in the city are for shit. It would take me two hours each way to cover the distance it takes me 20 minutes to drive. Apparently, that is where my willingness to sacrifice for the Earth ends.

Also, what do we do about all the land being used for corn that is subsidized by the US government? Being from Ohio, I know the importance of farming, especially corn farming. However, we could be producing so many other things, couldn't we? Am I dreaming to think that we could dismantle the corporate farms and go back to the way things were, when small farmers could actually make a living? I need to read more on this.

For now, I guess I need to make little changes like walking to the store more often and unplugging stuff in my house when I'm not using said stuff.
Wanna join me? What are you doing to cut down on your use of fossil fuels?

Commitment Issues

2007-10-24T15:55:00.000-07:00

Although my recent marriage might make it appear otherwise, I have commitment issues. I have never been good at sticking to one thing for very long. Even when I was a vegetarian, I cheated on occasion. Diets never work for me, neither do exercise regimens. And regular prayer? I think I wake up most mornings with the intent to start a new prayer life. Then I go back to sleep or realize I am late for work and get busy and a whole day passes without prayer. Well, I guess I probably manage to pray little prayers everyday, such as, "Gee, God, nice sunset!" or, "Thanks for this good dinner." Rarely, however, do I sit and really have a conversation with God. The listening part seems to escape me. I'd say I have a txt relationship with God most days.

me: Thx 4 snrse & no trafic
God: Wlcm! Call me!

Later in the day:
me: Gd, hlp me hv patience w wrk
God: Call me!

When my husband gets home:
me: Thx 4 the gr8 hubbie!
God: I do what I can! Call me!

You get the picture.

What can I do to get over this problem with commitment to making myself better?
Maybe that's why so many Christians listen to Christian music all the time -- it's passive prayer. Then again, maybe they like it.

Check out these cartoons

They have some great commentary on the church.

Who I am vs. who I thought I would be

2007-10-11T00:26:00.000-07:00

When I was little, I had a lot of ideas about what I was going to be when I grew up. First, it was a flower. I'm pretty sure that at some point I wanted to be Big Bird. I wanted to be the first woman president. I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to buy up all the abandoned buildings in downtown Cleveland and give people who didn't have a nice place to live just that. All-in-all, I wanted to be someone who made a change. A loud, "I'm famous now," kind of change. If I wasn't going to be globally famous, I thought I would at least be famous in my line of work.
I realized a few nights ago that my next birthday is going to be the big 3-0. I feel as though, by this point, I should have published something, I should be leading something, I should have started something. Why do I feel this way? Where does this drive to be recognized come from?
I want to have saved Rwandan refugees or stopped human trafficking or to have written something that opens our eyes to the fact that we have so much more than we need. I want to be able to say that I have made a difference in this world, and not just to my friends and family. I want to be one of Time magazines amazing people under 30. Those people make me feel so inadequate. I want to at least be able to say that I preach and distribute the Lord's Supper each week.
One of the things about working with kids in the way I do is that I so rarely get to see the fruits of my labor. I could very well have inspired someone to go out and change the world in ways I have yet to. I wish that thought was more satisfying.
I know that, theoretically, I have time and it is possible that by the time I am 50 I could have done something really amazing. However, I don't like to live with somedays. Life doesn't go on forever -- I have lost too many people in my life to live under the illusion that we ever really get to live a "complete" life. We have to make changes in the time we are here. I guess that that means that I have to start making small changes, every day.
I think that our desire for immediacy is the cause of so much of our strife. "I want it now!" could very well be the motto of our culture. We're a nation of two year-olds. I want to see the effects of my job now. I want to see the effects of conservation now. I want to see the good it will d me to buy local and organic now. As a society, we have lost patience. As a person, I am not sure I ever had much to begin with. I want to be ordained NOW. I want my PhD NOW. I want to have made a difference already. Really, I should want to learn how to accept myself as I am, where I am. But, I don't like shoulds either.

Something Fun -- Christian v. Jesus Follower

2007-10-10T15:22:00.000-07:00

I found these on another blog, wiredjesus.com, they need to be shared. I am so itred of the fact that some Christians judge other's faith on the music they listen to , the clothes they wear (or do not wear), the things they read... These are great responses.
I'm only putting two here -- you can see the others on

GodTube

. Yes, that's right , GodTube.

More from my brain later...

That's right, I'm back...

2007-10-05T23:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this is my third attempt at a blog. This time, however, I'm doin' it. This one is not attached to my other blog, I'm not announcing at work, and I am trying to keep it a separate part of my life. Now, I know that this is impossible. Like I tell my kids, putting stuff on the internet is like putting it on a billboard. Still, I would like to really be able to express myself unfiltered be worries about what people at my place of employ would think.
My husband is currently taking a class in ecology and English and has me really thinking about living more sustainably. This is something that has been at the back of mind mind for a long time. I mean, I graduated from a school that was building an ecologically sustainable dorm and raised free-range organic beef. I learned a little there.
I used to be so much better. I didn't own a lot (it's hard to own a lot when you're a nomad), and I was a good little vegetarian who didn't drive very much. Now, after six years in two big cities, I'm become a little too much a part of the culture. While Chicago didn't require much driving (God bless the CTA), the cafeteria was not meant for vegetarians and I was too depressed and lazy to keep it up. On top of that, the southside is not a haven for organic living. I was lucky to find ripe tomatoes, much less organic ones. Whole Paycheck was not a part of my student's salary.
I also started owning more. It was Chicago. I required certain clothes for going out, clothes for work, clothes for preaching, clothes to impress my unboyfriend and make him finally admit his undying love for me. I should have realized that when nive stuff from Victoria's Secret didn't do it, nothing would. Then, there was IKEA. I had never before encountered IKEA. Then I stumbled upon this wonderous world of affordable, cute furniture. And I had a lot of rooms to furnish.
Now, I live in Seattle. While it is theoretically easier to be sustainable here, everything here is sooo expensive. How am I supossed to live sustainably and sustain myself? Why can't we make it so that sustainability is afforable? I should go back to being vegetarian, but I'm not supossed to eat fermented soy products. So, I am trying to find ways to buy organic, free range beef & chicken. I'm searching out vegetable delivery options from local growers. I'm attempting to keep the clothes whore inside of me calm and buy quality (sustainable clothes that are not made in sweatshops) versus quantity (Target). It is all so hard.
Yesterday, I tried to go to Jack In the Box. I had been craving chicken fingers. Somehow, chicken fingers turned into a burger and fries. I tried to eat the burger on the way home, lest my husband catch me and give me that "I'm dissapointed in you" look. About a quarter of a way through the burger, all of the things I have learned in the past 10 years began to run through my head. The way that cow was forced to live, the unnatural things it was fed (cows are not meant to eat corn, anymore than people are meant to eat wool), all of the water that was used in creating the burger, the pesticides I was eating... on and on and on. I finally had to stop eating. I decided to eat only the fries. I went to the dumpster to throw away the burger and threw away the fries on accident. There went my meal. Someone was looking out for me. Or calling me on my crap. You decide.

And if you're wondering where the Jesus comes in, it's between the lines there, but it will come out more later.

While looking for a sweat-shop free sweater today, I came across a website with cute, not crazy expensive clothes. Seriously!! Check out their blazers. Not that you need too many, of course ;-) Fair Indigo